It has come to my attention this week that city life has given me some rage issues. My morning and afternoon commutes have started to make my blood boil. It’s probably not something that I should be proud of, but I figured it might make good blog material.

So ready or not, here comes a rant of epic proportions.

First of all, let’s talk about revolving doors, shall we? They are everywhere in Chicago. And guess what, folks! They are not scary or difficult to operate! Just step into the next available opening and push! That’s it! This is not double-dutch jump rope. You do not have to carefully time your entrance. Nothing annoys me more than people that skip an opening and wait for the next one as if they are afraid of getting crushed by the door.

I’ve noticed these are also the people that barely lay a finger on the handle and take tiny baby steps forward as they go through the door, thereby taking forever to get through. Just push! What are you afraid of, germs? You touch thousands of surfaces a day that plenty of other people touch. Don’t lick your hands afterward, and you’ll be fine.

Next, let’s discuss elevators. There is a bank of four elevators in my building that only go to the bottom four floors with offices on them. That’s right, four elevators servicing four floors, with a maximum ride time of about 30 seconds. Translation? An elevator comes approximately every 15 seconds! Therefore, you do not have to stick your hand, foot, or whole body into the closing elevator doors to make sure you get on this one! Let the stupid doors close and the people already inside get to their floors. Wait the extra 15 seconds for the next one. I swear, sometimes so many people stop the elevator doors from closing that all four elevators end up on the ground floor and waiting before one gets to move. So FYI, I hate the people that enter the elevator when the doors are closing. Don’t be one of those people.

Moving on to another set of closing doors, next on my list is the el. The el is very crowded during morning rush hour, but is usually tolerable if there are no idiots on my car that do the following two things: (1) board the train while other passengers are still trying to exit through your door, and (2) insist on being the first to board but then park themselves in the doorway instead of moving into the car. The first one is just common sense, people! Let people off before you get on, or else you are blocking their exit. And the second grates on my nerves to an extreme degree. People have to be on first because they think the train with leave without them, and they have to stand by the door because they are afraid they won’t be able to get off at their stop if they have to walk more than one step to the door. And these are commuters! People that ride the el every day! The only reason anyone is not able to board or get off on time is because the doors are blocked by people who do these things. In their ridiculous attempts to prevent a problem that doesn’t exist, they end up creating the problem. Bah.

Oh, and another thing about the el. I don’t care how much crap you are carrying with you or how large of a person you are. You are not entitled to two seats. I hate, I hate, I HATE the people that put their bags down on the seat next to them and pretend not to notice all the people standing around them, and even more than that, I hate the people that in the aisle seat when there is no one in the window seat. Unacceptable, people. Move the (bleep) over. What do you want the rest of us to do, climb over you? Or do you just think you’re too cool to let a stranger sit by you? Everyone has the same right to a seat. A seat. One. Not two.

I think everyone will be with me on this next one: I am enraged by indecisive walkers. I cannot stand being behind someone that is making it perfectly that he/she has absolutely no idea where he/she is. (I reiterate that, as I mentioned in a previous post, the whole gender neutral singular subject pronoun void annoys me too.) Pick a direction and walk, people. Just go. You may not know what is on the next block but the only way to find out is to get there! People on the Chicago streets walk like they are in a parade or something! Step it up folks! You may not have anywhere to be, but I do! And even when I don’t, I still walk like I do.

Alright, I feel better. Thanks. You all saved me a couple hundred in therapy bills. And perhaps kept the next person I saw doing any of these things from being body slammed.

Thank you and good day.