I hate you, UPS.

Alright, so I know that usually my blogs are more commentary and less straight-up storytelling, but this week I have a story that is just dying to be told. It is a story of great woe for me, but I am hoping that by writing about it I will lessen my frustration with the situation, and more importantly, give my readers (all two of you) some laughs. So sit back and enjoy…

The Saga of the Poster Frame

For several weeks after receiving my $300 stimulus payment from the man that will (thank God) not be president much longer, I deliberated over what I should spend the money on. After soliciting ideas for superfluous purchases from friends and strangers alike, I decided I’d use the money to purchase some art for the one blank wall left in my apartment. Ever since I moved in, I’ve been wanting some Chicago-themed stuff to hang there – a painting of a city scene, a map, maybe a skyline photo – but I had yet to be able to afford it and I thought this was the perfect opportunity.

My first purchase was a Chicago neighborhood map from the Chicago Architecture Foundation. Let me tell you, this poster is COOL. It shows over fifty neighborhoods, all the train lines, all the parks and beaches, and more. And the art itself is amazing. Everything is hand-drawn and it’s done in deep jewel-tone colors, which are my favorite. So, after I bought it, I couldn’t wait to hang it up.

However, hanging the poster required having a frame. So, after I noted the poster’s dimensions (27” by 39”), I went on a hunt for the correct size frame. One Sunday afternoon, I went into every store I could think of in a 2-mile radius of my apartment: Linen’s and Things, Bed Bath and Beyond, Target, Marshall’s, World Market, and probably others I cannot remember right now. No 27” by 39” frames. Apparently the largest size carried by your average store is 24” by 36”. (An aside: If I were reading this at work, I would circle all those quotes and mark them to be changed to straight lines to look like the actual inch symbol. However, I am not at work, so I can’t tell the production people to change them, and I am too lazy to do so myself.)

After my failed attempts at purchasing a frame for my beloved poster in a store, I decided to order one online. I shopped around a bit by eventually decided to order just a standard black poster frame from amazon.com. A few clicks and a payment of $21.95 plus shipping and handling, and I could expect to be hanging the poster up in 7-10 business days.

The rest I am going to tell in timeline format, became often the timing is what makes this situation so frustratingly amusing. We begin on Wednesday….

5:40 PM: I come home to find a UPS Info Notice on the outside door to my apartment building. Hurrah! The frame is almost here! I carry my mail up to my apartment quite excitedly.

6:15 PM: I look at the Info Notice more closely and see that UPS claims that if I sign the notice and leave it back where I found it, they will leave the package for me. I decide that is a lie (or at the very least a bad idea) because my building’s outer door opens directly to the street. I read further to see that I can call a number to arrange for package pickup instead, and recall that my sister has arranged to pick up packages at any UPS store in the past.

6:20 PM: I call number to arrange for package pickup and find myself talking to a computer. I ask to arrange for package pickup anyway. I am shocked when computer-woman understands my request, and suddenly worry that I am actually talking to a human. Computer-woman says there is still time to get my package tonight and asks if I would like to do that. I say yes. She asks for my phone number and an alternate number, says someone from UPS will call me within the hour to arrange for pickup, and tells me I may hang up. I do so, still sort of wondering if that woman just talks like a computer so she doesn’t have to answer hard questions.

6:55 PM: My phone rings. I run for it excitedly but discover it is not UPS, but my friend inviting me to dinner. I do a poor job of covering that I am disappointed that she is not from UPS.

7:30 PM: I realize that more than an hour has passed and wonder why UPS has not called. I call my parents (the alternate number I gave them) to see if UPS has called there looking for me. They have not. So I call the 800 number again. Computer-woman tells me again they will call within the hour. She loses coolness points when she fails to understand “It’s been more than an hour,” “I did not receive a call,” “Let me talk to a human, you crazy computer-woman!”

10:00 PM: I decide they are unlikely to call, and go to bed disappointed that the neighborhood map is not on my wall after computer-woman got my hopes all up.

Thursday….

1:30 PM: I message my sister to ask if she’s ever had UPS not call her back. She says yes, and she had to call the customer service number. I attempt to call the customer service number, then realize I have left the Info Notice and tracking number at home.

6:00 PM: I arrive home and am a bit disturbed that there is not a notice of a second delivery attempt. I go upstairs and call customer service. Eventually I get connected to the same computer-woman, and stay on the line long enough that she asks if I want to talk to an agent. I say yes, and hope she doesn’t mean the FBI. I am put on hold.

6:15 PM: Finally, I get to talk to an agent. I inform him I never got a call. He looks at his computer and says someone tried to call last night and I did not pick up the phone. Before I can respond, he tells me that late pickup is only available on the first day, and now I have to go get my package during business hours, from 8-6, Monday to Friday. I am annoyed, but agree. There is a pause and asks if there’s anything else he can do. Exasperatedly, I tell him I still need to set up my pickup location. He informs me that the package is at 1500 S. Jefferson (many, many miles from both my home and my workplace) and I am not allowed to have it sent anywhere else. I ask if he seriously means I have no other options but to get to no-man’s land during business hours or be home for one of my two remaining delivery attempts. He responds that my additional option is returning the package to sender. I hang up on him.

6:35 PM: I message my sister to tell her UPS says I can’t have package delivered to any UPS store. She says that’s a lie, but they may charge me a fee. I wonder if my “agent” was dumb enough to not offer me options that included a fee and decide to call back.

6:45 PM: I call the 800 number and snap, “AGENT!” at computer-woman. She recognizes either the word or the fact that I am yelling and connects me. I ask the agent if I can have package delivered to a UPS store for a fee. He has to “check on that.” After taking my tracking number, he tells me that because I have “already arranged to have the package held at 1500 S. Jefferson”, they are unable to have the package delivered to anywhere else. Calmly as I can in my rage, I inform him I did not “arrange” anything, as I never got a call. I tell him the note on his computer is a lie, as my cell phone did not register a missed call and they also did not try my alternate number. I tell him that it is impossible for me to get to the holding warehouse or be home to receive the delivery during business hours. He reluctantly suggests having the package delivered to my office instead of my home. I agree, and give him my work address. He tells me that he will forward the information to the Chicago warehouse and they will call me within an hour to confirm the details. If they don’t, please call him back so he can figure out why they are not calling me.

7:10 PM: It suddenly occurs to me that the package contains a 27” by 39” poster frame and it is going to be a pain in the ass to get it home from my office on the bus. My annoyance and frustration renewed, I decide not to wait around for the call, but instead carry my phone with me while I walk to the optometrist to get my new glasses.

7:15 PM: I leave for the optometrist, but keep my phone in my hand the whole time I am walking so I won’t miss the call.

7:45 PM: I arrive at the optometrist and get my glasses! Yay! I am cute!

7:50 PM: I walk home, again with the phone in my hand. I have that weird feeling of the ground being too close because my prescription has gotten stronger.

8:20 PM: I arrive home. I have not gotten a call from UPS, and no missed calls have registered. I sigh and call my old friend the computer-woman and ask for an agent. Apparently the shift has changed, because my old agent is not there. New agent tells me I had no reason to expect a call. She confirms that the address has been changed, but the delivery will not be made until Monday. I hang up the phone and bang my head a few times on my desk in frustration. I am not at all confident that the package is ever going to get to me.

Friday….

7:45 AM: I tell my sad story to my co-worker on the bus. She says she’s sorry, but my new glasses are cute.

12:15 PM: I tell my sad story to more co-workers at the lunch table. They tell me I am welcome to have anything delivered there when I need to. I thank them, but mention that when packages contain things like 27” by 39” poster frames, getting them home on my hour and 15 minute commute on public transportation is not easy. My co-worker Gary offers to give me a ride home Monday. I graciously accept, and am relieved at least that part is taken care of.

3:00 PM: Gary sticks his head in my office to tell me to have a good weekend, then leaves.

3:15 PM: An additional coworker comes to my office to tell me my package has arrived. (You lied to me, 2^nd-shift agent!) I place my face in my hands as I remember Gary has already left and I will need to take the package on the bus.

3:17 PM: I retrieve the package from clerical office, and I am pleased to find that it is not very heavy.

3:20 PM: As I carry the package back to my office, my boss sees me, has pity on me, and tells me to go home early! I pack up quickly and decide to make a run for the 3:30 bus.

3:25 PM: I exit the building to find out there are gale force winds blowing. I have to cross a big field to get to the bus stop, and the large, thin package is acting like a windsail. I fight an epic battle to keep from losing the package or letting it drag me into the road.

3:29 PM: After that great struggle, I arrive at the bus stop one minute early. However, I am informed that the bus is running 10 minutes late. I struggle against the wind for 10 more minutes.

3:40 PM: Finally, I board the bus. I sit in a seat with the package in front of me, and feel guilty because it is impossible for anyone to sit in the seat next to me. I also feel like I am in a box, as I cannot see anything in front of or behind me. I furtively hope that the earlier bus will get me home quicker than usual.

4:05 PM: My hopes are dashed as we arrive downtown and discover a traffic jam due to the blues festival. I sink further into my box-prison and pout.

5:15 PM: FINALLY, I arrive at my stop. I struggle against the wind a bit more as I walk to my apartment. I carry the package up the stairs, get through my door, and do a little victory dance.

5:20 PM: I start ripping open the package, frantic with excitement. I pull the frame out to discover that the packaging has “27 inches by 41 inches” printed on it, but there is a sticker over the 41 with “39” written on it in permanent marker. Suddenly I worry if I got ripped off and the poster will not fit, but I lay poster over the top. It seems like it will fit.

5:25 PM: I get the rest of the packaging off and start to take apart the frame. I yell swear words as I discover that the plastic is cracked in two places, leaving one hole, and two of the frame’s corners are noticeably bent. I literally have to fight back tears as I laugh at the ridiculousness of this situation.

5:50 PM: I find out how to contact the company through amazon.com’s website. I send a scathing email asking for a refund.

7:30 PM: I receive a response from the company. They say they are very sorry and will refund my money when they receive the broken frame back. They tell me to return the frame to its original packaging, and….

“…UPS will contact you to arrange a pickup.”

That’s where the story ends for now. Needless to say, UPS has not contacted me. That would break Murphy’s Law.

So. Anyone know where I can buy a 27” by 39” poster frame?