City Mystique

“Just as Daisy’s house had always seemed to him more mysterious and gay than other houses, so his idea of the city itself, even though she was gone from it, was pervaded with a melancholy beauty.”

--from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

I love Chicago. It’s been 5 years and 5 months since I moved here, and I feel as though the city has seeped into my soul. I love the natural beauty of the lakefront, and I love the engineered splendor of the architecture. I love the hundreds of free outdoor activities in the summer, and I love the festive atmosphere of the streets and stores in the winter. I love the easy accessibility of downtown, and I love the diversity of the sprawling neighborhoods. I was terrified to move to Chicago, and honestly, I probably never would have done it if I had felt like I had any other viable alternative. But now I am truly happy here. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

That’s why the past couple of months have been more, shall we say, pensive than I expected. It’s been a little more than three years since I finished my master’s program, and I’ve been asked many times if I am thinking about going back to school for a doctorate. This question never really comes a surprise to me. I have always been good at school. “Smart” has always been a part of my identity. I’m sure many people – even me, at times – expect me to someday become Dr. Katie.

I am not opposed to the idea of it. I think that studying a subject that I really cared about could be a personally and professionally satisfying episode in my life. Once I put some space between myself and my master’s program, and after I got over the emotional trauma of finding a job, I started to entertain the idea of entering a doctoral program.

The first step was to identify and narrow the field I was interested in. That turned out to be easy. Based on my experience in the Learning Sciences program, I think the ideal program for me would be in cognitive science, with an emphasis on mathematical learning and education. With that in mind, I started to research programs. In a pretty exhaustive search, I found one program that I felt was in line with my requirements; that is, there appears to be only one program in the country that is specific enough to my interests that it would feel worth it to me to invest the time, money, and energy to apply, let alone enroll. It was the Mathematics and Science Education Ph.D. program offered jointly by two universities: UCSD and SDSU – both in San Diego.

I visited San Diego earlier this year for a completely different reason, and I have to admit that I really liked it there. It was really lovely. Easy to walk, lots to see, and the feel of a big city but without the gritty, intimidating feeling I get from New York or Los Angeles. And the weather? Glorious. I would miss snow at Christmas time, but I’ve never been a fan of cold, and the climate of San Diego has its appeal. I found I could entertain the idea of living there.

What I could not entertain, however, was the thought of leaving Chicago. I really do love it here. Beyond everything I said at the beginning of this blog, the nature of this city has really helped me to come into myself. Living here forced me to face a lot of my anxiety demons and learn how to do things on my own. It forced me to figure out the things I really care about and the things I could let go.

I moved here as terrified, panic-stricken Katie. Now I am comfortable, usually-not-panicking Katie. I’m Chicago Katie. And I like her better than the old version of me. Even on the bad days, when I feel myself slipping back into feelings of ineptitude and helplessness, I can go and take a walk to remind myself that living here on my own is not something a helpless person could do. No, I just could not entertain the thought of leaving. I put the thought of the doctoral program out of my head.

Then, yesterday, I was looking at train schedule in and out of Kalamazoo, MI in an attempt to find a way home for the Thanksgiving holiday. I spent my undergrad in Kalamazoo, and I found myself thinking about my time there. When I started my freshman year, I looked forward to trips back to my hometown, because I felt safer and more confident there. I couldn’t imagine that I’d ever really live anywhere else. Later on, once I was comfortable, I hated being away from Kalamazoo, because I felt safer and more confident there. Kalamazoo became the place I could never possibly leave. Even after I graduated and got a job in Chicago, I told myself the move would not be permanent. I couldn’t possibly leave Kalamazoo.

I think you see the pattern here. It’s really kind of silly for me to think that I could not learn to be happy, safe, and confident living somewhere else. In fact, my record shows that I learn to really love almost anywhere I find myself. And each place has, in its own way, changed me for the better.

So, I don’t fear that I’ll regress into someone I don’t want to be if I move away. But I would miss it here. There’s no question about that. And I do wonder if, assuming I move away, Chicago might lose its mystique. If I go away, am I running the risk of never being able to come back? Would Chicago ever be the same for me again?

The answer is likely no. I no longer have any desire to live in either Saginaw or Kalamazoo. I can’t picture myself living there the way I can picture myself living in San Diego. However, after some reflection, I realize that Chicago would probably never go back to what it was before I moved here, either. Every time I ride the train through Kalamazoo or drive through my hometown, I get a little flash of excitement as memories flood me. Even though both places feel a little empty because most of the people I knew there are gone, they are still just a little bit magical for me. I’m sure Chicago would inspire the same thrill for me if I ever left.

I’m not saying that I’ve decided to move to San Diego, or even to apply to the program. There are a number of other compelling reasons why I don’t want to do that. I have a job that I love with the potential to advance into the very things that the doctoral program would prepare me for, without having to sacrifice thousands of dollars or four years of my life. My family is near enough to be accessible, and that wouldn’t be the case if I were in San Diego. And even though I always end up being successful in school, I don’t always handle the pressure well.

All I’m really saying is that the idea of leaving Chicago doesn’t scare me any more. As speaking as someone who has spent much of her life being afraid, any day I can cross a fear off my list is a good day.